Aonip returns!

Can I manage more than 3 posts this year?
Also, I owe my writing group a page of prose (or poetry, or something!) today, so here goes nothing:

Aluminium siding?

Well, naoow, it's a funny thing yew should ask about aluminium siding just naoow. I 'mind me of a time I was out Bettellgeeyoos way -- what? Well, eff it's pro-nounced 'beetle juice' then why in the name of supernovas ent it spelled 'beetle juice'? Who ever heard of such a thing as beetle juice? It's a dis-turbing concept. And there ent no beetles out that way, anyways, as I should know. 'Beetle juice' my eye.

As I was sayin', I was out Bettellgeeyoos way, some time back, peacefully prospectin' fer darstell amongst the dead stars, when one o' them Galactic He-ros shows up. Yew know the type, ray-guns in both hands, and in the feet too, half of 'em; blowing up planets and stars left and right; and a-tryin' to ex-terminate some poor Bug-Eyed Monsters because they thought one of 'em looked funny at their girlfriend, er boyfriend, as the case may be. Now I ask yew: Do that make any sense at all? O'course a Bug-Eyed Monster's gonna look at yew funny, they can't help it! They're bug-eyed! That's why they're called Bug-Eyed Monsters!

Anyways, this Galactic He-ro, I fergit his exact name, Pinball Pellican er something like that, he ups to me as I'm a-digging fer darstell in the dead starfields out back of Bettellgeeyoos IX and says, he says, "Pray excuseth me, goodfellow, but canst thou directeth me wherein I mightst findest mineselfest a goodly supply of varny?" --er words to that effect.

Naow, as a law-abidin' citizen of the Moderen Eera, I expect yew ent never heerd of 'varny', but back in my ol' pappy's day it were another name fer whats properly called varnioopium, ef there be any proper name fer that devil's brew, and yew don't need to know any more about it then that yew should stay as faar away from the stuff as yew can git.

So, hearing this yer Pellican ask about 'varny', which word ent been used in a century by anybody but a Perfesser o' History, I knows right away that he must be a-tryin' to sneak into what he would'a called a 'varny cave', that being another superannuated term fer any place whar the users of various kinds of ill-eagle stimulants gather, in order to bring 'em to justice, as I expect he'd say, an' he thinks he'll fit right in, using his 'hep slang'.

Naow, I ent got enny use fer ill-eagle stimulants, er their users either, so I'm perfectly happy to help him out, even if he do be a He-ro, but I don't know about enny varnioopium an' I hope I never do. However, I do know what I just been a-tellin' yew, that using the word 'varny' will mark the poor boob as a Perfesser er a He-ro er worse and enny 'varny' users who hear it will seal up tighter than a nebular hydro-grazer what's run into a pogo-stick, as th' Immortal Bard once put it. So I try an' enlighten the fella.

"It ent called 'varny', hereabouts," I says. "Ef'n yew want ta find it, yew best be asking fer Berry Millions," that being the term at. the. time. fer the stuff, and it ent the term now and no I ent telling yew how I knew.

Well, yew would have thought I told him the star bats was a-fixing to install gravity stills in his grandma's curlers. He shoots up 30 feet in the air, er in the vacuum to git technical, an' when he comes down, he starts a-yellin' questions about who this 'Millions' is an' where he is an' who else I know an' what else I know, an' I come to realize he thinks "Berry Millions" is the name of a person who sells 'varny'. When I git done laughin', I try to set him straight, but he ent having enny. 'Berry Millions' is the name of a 'varny' seller and that's the end of it. I finally convince him I don't know nothing else but 'Berry Millions', which is pretty close to Supernova's honest truth, but I never get him to understand that 'Berry Millions' ent a person. Off he goes, sayin' "the patrol thankest thou for thine information, goodcitizen," and whether he found his varny or not I never knew.

Aluminium siding? Whoever said it had ennything to do with aluminium siding? Why ever would yew ask sech a fool question?